As long as the roman catholic church and botanists still ply their weary work, this is one language that won't be forgotten. It has long been in the hands of mad religious fanatics and ill-cultured intellectuals, but now this is finally over.
My hard drive seem to be cluttered with such unreadable eloquent terms such as 'Quidquid latine dictum sit altum viditur'Anything said in Latin sounds profound. and 'Gramen artificiosum odi'.I hate Astroturf

You will have seen the little at the end of each quip, moving your mouse pointer over the aforesaid will give either a rough or exact translation to the english vernacular.

Below is a list of quirky quips and laughable jokes which you can add a intellectual signature to all those fancy emails that nobody seems to send anymore.
The translations to the quotes have now been listed in alphabetical order. NB

Quote Key:

Selection numbers beneath the links indicate
how many quotes there are for each section.

At the bottom of this page is a link to one of my favourite latin dictionaries.






As if!

Ut si!



lapsus nivium!


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Bad kitty!

Feles mala!

Bad kitty! Why don't you use the cat box? I put new litter in it.

Feles mala! Cur cista non uteris? Stramentum novum in ea posui.

Batteries not included.

Lagunculae leydianae non accedunt.


Beware of the dog

Cave canem


Beware of the dog, he may lick you to death

Cave canem...te necet lingendo


Big Brother is watching you....

Magnus frater spectat te...


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Couch potato

Radix lecti


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Dead men don't sue.

Actio personalis monitur cum persona.


Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?

Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?


Does the Bikini-Suicide-Frisbee match start soon?

Certamen Bikini-Suicidus-Disci mox coepit?


Don't call me, I'll call you.

Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo.


Don't fuck with us

Ne conjugare nobiscum


Don't let the bastards get you down.

Noli nothis permittere te terere.


Do you by chance happen to own a large, yellowish, very flat cat?

Estne tibi forte magna feles fulva et planissima?


During war, the laws are silent.

Silent leges inter arma.


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(At a bar-b-q)

Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?

Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?


Everyone is doing it.

Sic faciunt omnes.


Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.

Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.


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Face it, you're stuck in a dead end job.

Aspice, officio fungeris sine spe honoris amplioris.


Flying saucers are real

Orbes volantes exstare


Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

Re vera, cara mea, mea nil refert.


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Get a life.

Fac ut vivas.


Get outta here you fat bastard

Absconde obesito illegitimo


Go with the flow.

Ventis secundis, tene cursum.


God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!

Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!


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Hey, you got a problem, pal?

Heia, comes, num aliquid agitur?


How do you get your hair to do that?

Quomodo cogis comas tuas sic videri?


How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?


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I am the Master of the Universe!

Magister Mundi sum!


I am, therefore I eat.

Sum, ergo edo.


I am not a fish.

Non sum pisces.


I am not lost.

Neutiquam erro.


I believe Elvis lives.

Credo Elvem etiam vivere.


I came, I saw, I kicked ass

Veni, vidi, nates calce concidi

I came, I saw, I want to go home

Veni, Vidi, volo in domum redire


I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.


I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem.

Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.


I don't really know all that much Latin.

Revera linguam latinam vix cognovi.


I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.


I hate Astroturf.

Gramen artificiosum odi.


I have this compulsion to speak Latin

Latine loqui coactus sum


I succeeded in summoning satan into my computer.

Valui ad satanam in computatrum meum invocandum.


I think I'll have another drink.

Cogito sumere potum alterum.


I think, therefore I am.

Cogito, ergo sum.

I think therefore I am depressed

Cogito Ergo Doleo


I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.


I think we're on the same wavelength

Credo nos in fluctu eodem esse


I want my rubber ducky!

Volo anaticulam cumminosam meam!


I was kidnapped by aliens. What year is it?

Hostes alienigieni me abduxerunt. Qui annus est?


I'll either find a way or make one

Aut viam inveniam aut faciam


I'm going to have to hurt you on principle.

Me oportet propter praeceptum te nocere.


If catapaults are outlawed, then only outlaws will only have catapaults.

Cum catapultae proscriptae erat, tum soli proscript catapultas habeunt.


If I were you, I wouldn't walk in front of any catapults.

Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules.


If it ain't broke, don't fix it

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere


If you can read this, you have too much education.

Si hoc legere scis, nimium eruditionis habes.


(On a car)

If you can read this bumper sticker, you are very well educated and much too close.

Sic hoc adfixum in obice legere potes, et liberaliter educatus et nimis propinquus ades.


If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!

I hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!


In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags.

Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem.


Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?


Is this your idea of a joke?

Hocine tibi habeas iocum?


It doesn't rhyme.

Nullo metro compositum est.


It is a wise man who speaks little

Vir sapit qui pauca loquitur


It is mine, not yours!

Id est mihi, id non est tibi!


It was that way when I got here.

Ita erat quando hic adveni.


It's a nice little wine, but it lacks character and depth

Vinum bellum iucunumque est, sed animo corporeque caret

It's not my fault.

Non est mea culpa.


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Lead, follow, or get out of the way.

Duc, sequere, aut de via decede.


Let it all hang out.

Totum dependeat.


Life is too short to dance with ugly men

Brevior saltare cum deformibus viris est vita


Life is too short to dance with ugly women

Brevior saltare cum deformibus mulieribus est vita


Long time no see!

Tam diu minime visu!


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Make my day.

Fac ut gaudeam.


May barbarians invade your personal space!

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!


May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!

Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!


May the force be with you.

Sit vis nobiscum.


My dog ate it.

Canis meus id comedit.


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No Fucking around

coutus non circum


Nothing is swifter than rumour

Fama nihil est celerius

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Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!

O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!


Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.

ah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.


Oh, what a beautiful day!

O diem praeclarum!


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Pretty please with a cherry on top!

Te precor dulcissime supplex!


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Read 'em and weep

Lege atque lacrima.


Read my lips...

Labera lege...


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Save the whales!

Balaenae nobis conservandae sunt


See you later, alligator!

Vale, lacerte!


Shark! Shark!

Pistrix! Pistrix!


Show me the money!

Monstra mihi pecuniam!


Slowly, Slowly we will get there

Poli, poli, di umbuendo


Some laws are unwritten but they are better established than all written ones.

Quaedam iura non scripta sed omnibus scriptis certiora sunt.


Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.

Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!


Stupid cow!

Vacca foeda!


Stupid is as stupid does.

Stultus est sicut stultus facit.


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That's nothing - in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.

Nihil est - in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui


The fat lady has sung.

Obesa cantavit.


This stinks

Isso fede


Time unknown.

Tempus incognitum.


This isn't my real name.

Hoc nomen meum verum non est.


To boldly go where no man has gone before.

Ad eundum quo nemo ante iit.


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Up yours

Ascendo tuum


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We are going to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.

Imus ad magum Ozi videndum, magum Ozi mirum mirissimum.


What a bimbo!

Qualem muleirculam!


What, in a nutshell, is deconstructionism?

Paucis verbis, quid est deconstructionismus?


What a dump!

Quid gurgustium!


What time is lunch?

Quando prandimus?


What's that in the water?

Quid est illa in auqua?


Where's my rubber ducky?

Ubi est mea anaticula cumminosa?


Woof woof! Grrrr!

Latro! Fremo!


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Yankee go home!

Romani ite domus


Yeah, where DO I want to go today??

Ignoramus microsoftis multa pecunia dat.


You are a worm

Tu es vermis


You can't say that in Latin.

Illiud Latine dici non potest.


You dirty rat!

Tu, rattus turpis!


You do not know the power of the dark side.

Postatem obscuri lateris nescitis.


You get paid for this crap?

Isto pensitaris?


You infernal machine! Give me a beverage or give me my money back!

Machina improba! Vel mihi ede potum vel mihi redde nummos meos!


Your fly is open

Braccae tuae aperiuntur


Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Mater tua criceta fuit, et pater tuo redoluit bacarum sambucus.


You're talking like a moron!

Morologus es!


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NB: These quotes have been collected from a variety of sources, all in the public domain. I claim no responsibility as to the accuracy of these quotes as my grasp of latin is very limited (but is slightly better than my grip of french (gibbit gribbit) there you go).


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This Page Updated 29th May 2005